Overcoming Self-Criticism: My Journey to Self-Compassion

For years, I operated under a simple but unforgiving belief: the only way to succeed was to be hard on myself. I equated self-criticism with drive, perfectionism with strength, and guilt with morality. Anything less than relentless pressure felt like weakness. If I eased up, even a little, I feared I’d fall behind—lose my edge, my ambition, my identity.

But that mindset didn’t make me stronger. It made me exhausted.

In my original article, “Learning to Be Kind to Myself Without Letting Myself Off the Hook”, I shared the turning point when I realized the voice in my head wasn’t just strict—it was cruel. I explored how I began learning to treat myself with kindness while still holding myself accountable. This wasn’t about giving up or letting myself off the hook. It was about rewriting the rules of how I motivate myself—from punishment to compassion, from fear to curiosity.

And in many ways, that journey was about overcoming one of my deepest fears: the fear of going soft.

The Fear of Becoming Complacent

When people talk about fear, it often comes in the form of external threats—fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown. For me, the fear was internal. I was terrified that if I stopped being hard on myself, I’d lose control. That without the constant voice of critique, I’d let myself off the hook too easily.

The fear whispered things like:

• “If you’re too nice to yourself, you’ll stop trying.”
• “You won’t hold yourself accountable.”
• “You’ll become one of those people who makes excuses.”

But that fear wasn’t rooted in truth. It was rooted in a warped version of discipline I’d absorbed from a young age. In my world, effort equaled worth. And rest, softness, or forgiveness? Those were luxuries for people who hadn’t earned them.

Recognizing the Cost

At first, this mindset did push me to achieve. I was the go-to person, the reliable one, the perfectionist who double-checked everything and prided herself on never needing help. I achieved a lot. But I also paid a high price.

I burned out. I lived in a constant state of anxiety. I couldn’t rest without guilt. I spoke to myself in ways I wouldn’t dream of speaking to a friend. And slowly, the achievements that once gave me pride started to feel empty—because they were driven by fear, not fulfillment.

The cost of that internal cruelty was a slow erosion of self-trust. I didn’t trust myself to make good decisions without pressure. I didn’t trust myself to do the right thing unless fear was involved. And that’s when I knew something had to change.

Reframing Accountability

One of the biggest shifts I had to make was redefining what accountability looks like. I used to think it meant punishment. If I missed a deadline or fell short of a goal, I’d spiral into shame. But shame didn’t help me grow. It just made me feel stuck.

Now, I see accountability as a form of self-respect. It’s not about tearing myself down. It’s about showing up because I value myself—not because I’m afraid of what happens if I don’t.

It’s the difference between saying:

• “You failed, so you’re a failure,” and
• “You missed the mark, so let’s learn and do better next time.”

Self-compassion and accountability can coexist. They must coexist. Without compassion, accountability becomes abuse. Without accountability, compassion becomes indulgence. The magic is in the balance.

Building a New Inner Voice

Overcoming my fear meant consciously building a new voice in my head—one that wasn’t just nicer, but wiser. A voice that could say:

• “You’re struggling right now. That doesn’t mean you’re weak.”
• “You messed up, but you’re still worthy.”
• “You can take a break and still be responsible.”

This didn’t come naturally. At first, it felt fake. Like I was playing pretend. But slowly, it started to feel true. And as that voice grew stronger, so did my resilience—not the brittle kind that cracks under pressure, but the grounded kind that bends and bounces back.

What I’ve Learned

Overcoming the fear of being too soft on myself didn’t make me lazy. It made me more focused. It gave me the mental space to make thoughtful choices instead of reactive ones. It helped me own my mistakes without being consumed by them.

Most importantly, it taught me that I don’t need fear to drive me. I can be motivated by love, by purpose, by a desire to grow—not just by the dread of falling short.

If you’ve ever feared that being kind to yourself means letting yourself off the hook, I want to tell you: it doesn’t. You can be both soft and strong. You can rest and still move forward. You can forgive yourself and still hold high standards.

I wrote about this more deeply in my original piece, “Learning to Be Kind to Myself Without Letting Myself Off the Hook” on Medium. It’s a reflection on what happens when we let go of fear-based discipline and embrace a more compassionate way of growing.

A New Kind of Strength

True strength, I’ve found, isn’t about how hard you can push yourself. It’s about how well you can support yourself through difficulty. It’s not about never messing up—it’s about how you respond when you do.

Fear told me I needed to be perfect. But compassion has shown me I only need to be present. And that has made all the difference.

So, to answer the question: What fears have I overcome and how?

I’ve overcome the fear of self-compassion. I’ve overcome the belief that softness equals weakness. I’ve stopped believing that being hard on myself is the only path to success.

And I did it by listening. By noticing. By rewriting my inner narrative. And by choosing—over and over again—to be kind, not because I’m fragile, but because I am finally strong enough to be gentle with myself.